Last year? I think. Was it last year?
No. It’s been two years ago now. My-oh-my where has the time gone?
Mike picked me up a calendar of events from the local hardware store and I eagerly scanned it.
It wasn’t there.
No lumberjack and jill show.
No rodeo either.
They did, however, have other shows. “What is the Pork Chop Revue?” I asked that beautiful neighbor lady of mine, Stephanie, when we were playing cards with them one night.
“I don’t know,” she said and reached for her newfangled cell phone — you know, the kind that gets on the internet. “Let’s see,” and she Googled it. “It says here it’s a comedy/animal/variety show that features performing pigs and hogs.”
“That sounds like fun. How about that other one? The Pirates of the Columbian Caribbean?”
With a swipe of her finger and a few taps of the virtual keyboard, she says, “Umm, it says here it’s a high wire thrill show.”
I turned to Mike, “Can we see those shows?”
“Sure. Whatever you want.”
We went to the fair on the first day. Seniors get in free. Mike qualified for the age limit, I did not.
Our first stop, after getting in the gate, was the church tent where the ladies make the best pierogies!
Now, I know that a lot of people prefer their pierogies fried crispy golden brown — and I like them that way too — but I love these swimming in butter and onions equally as well. The shell is tender without being chewy and the only thing that would make them any better at all is if I could eat them without having to suffer a gall bladder attack afterwards. It was so worth it though.
Mike found a stand selling his favorite fair food; an Italian sausage sandwich, and we made our way down to the event area as he munched. There were only a few people in the stands and we had our pick of seats. I took a high seat so I could shoot pictures over the fence.
We didn’t have long to wait before the show started.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” the loudspeaker came on, “for over 50 years now the Pork Chop Revue has been amazing audiences around the nation. And now, please welcome the host of the Pork Chop Revue… Coouussin Grrrumpy!” he finished with a drawl.
“All right, you guys stay here and let me see if anybody’s out there,” Cousin Grumpy said as his mike came on. Then he came through the tent flap. “Hi’ya folks!”
When none of the small audience replied he said a little louder, “HI’YA FOLKS!” Then we got the idea and several people returned the greeting along with a smattering of applause. “It’s nice to see everyone! Capacity crowd this morning —” which it wasn’t. The bleachers were less than half full but I knew it was a comedy routine. “— Thanks for coming to the show. Y’all having a good time so far at the fair?”
There were a couple of faint, “Yeah’s,” but that was it.
“And you’re an enthusiastic bunch, whoooo!”
We laughed a little and he went on with the history of the show. “By a show of hands, how many of y’all have ever seen Pork Chop Revue?”
A few hands went up.
“You’ve seen our show? Alright. Well for the rest of ya, if you haven’t figured it out, this show features performing pigs and hogs. Yeah. My family started this show back in 1956, if you can image that. For sixty years now my family and our animals have traveled this great country of ours, been fortunate enough to perform in every state except Alaska! Forty-nine of the big fifty states. The pigs have appeared in movies, commercials, television shows; they’ve been featured on Animal Planet. Yeah. And we get them when they’re babies. We adopt the pigs from the farm when they’re a week or maybe ten days old; hand raise them — we raise them on a baby bottle, they live right in the house with us. As they get bigger they’ve got their own barn and vehicles designed especially for them to travel in. ’Kay, see, these guys start off as babies with us; well, they live out their entire lives with our family. That’s right! None of these little piggies ever go to market. Hey we do appreciate you comin’ to the show, you can help us out by havin’ a good time! The more noise you make by hootin’ ‘n halleren’ ‘n clappin’ and just havin’ fun with us, the better show they’re gonna put on for ya! That bein’ said, please welcome the Pork Chop Revue. Com’on guys!” he called and the pigs came out and the show started.
“Hey Roxie! I forgot to roll the carpet out girl!” And Roxie pushed it with her snout and rolled out the red carpet.
While Roxie was doing this Cousin Grumpy got the other hogs to their places. Then Nina, his wife, performed Thread The Needle with a little pot belly pig named Marilyn.
The other hogs didn’t always stay in their place when not performing but Cousin Grumpy was patient and kind with them as he gave them direction and touched their sides with his magic wand. Okay, it wasn’t a magic wand but they did what he wanted them to do when he tapped their sides with it.
“Seat Mi,” he coaxed tapping her. “Seat Mi. Miley seat. No, no you’re not doing it today, take a seat. Seats right here. Take a seat.” And when she made it back to her stand he rewarded her with a treat and a great big, “GOOD GIRL!”
While he was busy staging the hogs, Nina set up for the next trick.
“All right Mac, let’s go to the hurdles.” Mac recognized his name and left his stand. “Right here Mac,” Cousin Grumpy directed Mac to the start of the red carpet. “You ready?” he asked and Mac took off. “Jump!” and Mac jumped over the first hurdle. “One,” Cousin Grumpy called, then “two — three!” as Mac cleared each of the other hurdles. “Good boy Mac!” And we all clapped. He told Mac to take his seat and Mac did and earned a treat.
“Hey Marilyn! Show’em how to do this thing!” Cousin Grumpy called and put all the hurdles together. “Come on Marilyn.” Marilyn took her place at the head of the red carpet. “Marilyn ready? Jump Marilyn!” Marilyn took off down the red carpet as Cousin Grumpy called encouragement. “JUMP!” and Marilyn crawled under the hurdles. We all laughed and clapped. “It worked in rehearsal, I don’t know what’s goin’ on round here. My goodness. Holy cow.”
Cousin Grumpy turned around to direct Marilyn back to her seat and he sees that Miley has left her seat and was heading to the tent flap. “Seat Miley,” he said and tapped her stand. “Seat Mi. Seat Mi.” She turned around. “Miley seat Miley,” and as she was making her way back to her stand Mac left his seat! “Mac, take a seat buddy, what’s goin’ on around here!” Mac got back up on his stand. Then Miley finally took her place. “Seat, stay. Good,” and Cousin Grumpy gave Miley a treat.
He turned his attention back to Mac. “Are you ready little boy? Alright, let’s go to the barrel.” Cousin Grumpy gave short commands to Mac, “Come here. Here. Up. Good. Easy. Good. Now roll it slow. Good!” Mac obeyed and rolled the barrel down the red carpet. “Alright! Good job today buddy. Take a seat. Good boy!”
And we clapped.
When everyone was in there place again he called the next trick. “All right Marilyn, let’s go through there.” Nina stepped up to put Marilyn through the obstacle course. Marilyn went through a tunnel. “Let’s go,” Cousin Grumpy called as she made her way to the barrels. “A little sports agility 101.” Slowly the little pig wound her way back and forth between the barrels. “Run Forrest, run!” Cousin Grumpy called with a reference to the movie Forrest Gump. “Boy she’d never make it as one of them racing pigs, would she? She wouldn’t stand a chance.” Marilyn went through another tunnel at the other end of the track and went back to her stand where she got another treat and we clapped for her.
In the meantime, Mac left his seat again. “Mac seat,” Cousin Grumpy said. Mac did, then he turned back to us.
“Hey that was pretty good, but now it’s my turn. Come on Betty,” he called and a little black pig came through the tent flap. Betty went through the tunnels, wove her way around the barrels and through the other tunnel. “Now here’s the kicker now, Betty. Come on. Up on the teeter-totter. Here we go. UP! Come on baby. YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT! YOU…” Then she was all the way over. “Good girl! Good.”
Cousin Grumpy had Roxie walk on her knees then sent her back to her stand.
“Hurry up, take a seat.” She complied. “Good girl.” Mac was off his stand again. “Mac, turn around. You’re mooning everybody.” We laughed and Cousin Grumpy went on. “They’re over here. Look. See the people over there.”
Miley was off her seat again and he told her to take her seat. “Heck of a way to make a living, isn’t it?” And we laughed again.
At this point in the show Cousin Grumpy introduced his troupe to us starting with his wife Nina. She waved and smiled prettily at us as we clapped for her.
Then he called Marilyn over. “Come here Marilyn.” Marilyn came and sat at his feet. “And this of course is a baby hippopotamus.” Laughter. “No, she’s a pot belly pig. Been with us about five years now, doing a great job. Say hello to Marilyn!” We clapped. “Yeah! Much as she loves the applause, you know her favorite thing is Milk Bones. Why? I don’t know.” He gave her a piece and went on.
“This is our high jumpin’ hurdle pig doing a great job today,” and he turned and talked to her. “You are a good girl,” and he fed her a treat. “This is Miley.”
Everyone clapped.
Cousin Grumpy walked to the other end of the line-up. “This little fella here, you may have guessed, is new in the show. He’s doin’ a real good job though, I’ll tell ya, he’s real smart and he’s got a great personality, this is Mac!” We clapped. “Little Mac!” And I noticed that Little Mac had been tethered.
After the applause died down Cousin Grumpy turned to his other side. “This gal here, she looks so different than the rest of ‘em. She’s part wild Russian boar. She’s got a great disposition and a long happy life with us, this is Roxie!” We clapped. “Rox-a-roni!”
Moving on Cousin Grumpy introduced the next hog. “This gal here is one of the sweetest animals you’ll ever see. She’s as smart as any dog I’ve ever had, she’s loyal and she’s kind, I’ll tell you what,” and he turned to her, “Yes, you’re real pretty, yea you are,” then he turned back to us. “This is Layla!”
As we were clapping he turned back to Layla, scratches behind her ear and in a goofy voice says, “Yea she’s a girl…oh yeah.” Cousin Grumpy turned back to us. “Hey, she’s going to do something for ya in a minute we’re gonna have a little fun with. A little number she does called Oink, The Singing Pig. And I’m gonna need a helper with that —” he turned to a little guy in the audience. “Hey you wanna help me in a second buddy?” Then he addressed us again. “I don’t know if you guys know it but pigs rank—they rank in the top five intelligence of all animals. They are affectionate, they make great pets. I know usually you think about a pig being dirty, rolling in the mud, and we all know they have a bad reputation—well the reason they roll in the mud— and I don’t know if you kids know it, but pigs don’t sweat. They don’t perspire like us. They’re normal temperature is about 103 degrees and they sunburn. One of the few animals that sunburn like we do. The mud coats their skin, keeps ‘em from burnin’, now what we do to keep ‘em comfortable, fans goin’ all the time, misters to keep ‘em cool, and to keep ‘em from getting’ sunburn — like Mom and Dad — we use lots and lots of sunblock. In the pump bottles. We coat their ears and their backs. It does a great job. Right. Are you ready? Folks, right now it’s time for the Barnyard Baritone herself. The one. The only. Oink. The singing pig.”
We clapped as Layla came to the front and put her front feet up on the stand. “All right,” he said, stood beside Layla and asked, “Are you ready to sing?” and he scratched her back.
“Oink,” says Layla.
“What?” he asked and scratched her again.
“Oink.”
“What’s the matter? What?” he asked and pretended to listen. “Oh, oh! I forgot. Sorry. Hang on. I got’em.” Then he turned to us. “Yeah, she uh, she just wants me to put on her sunglasses.” Cousin Grumpy reached into his pocket and pulled out a giant pair of sunglasses and put them on Layla the singing pig, the Barnyard Baritone herself, while the song Superstar played over the loud speaker.
We laughed and clapped to see a pig in sunglasses.
“Anyway. We’re gonna sing a little bit of Old McDonald Had A Farm… you wanna help me out today buddy?” he asked the kid in the audience he picked earlier. The little guy was afraid and shook his head no. “You wanna help me? No? We need a youngster,” and he scanned the audience. “No?” It was a school day and there weren’t a lot of kids in attendance. “All right guys, here’s what’s gonna happen. Usually we get a youngster out of the audience, but we’re gonna sing a little bit of Old McDonald Had A Farm, I’m going to need everybody to help me, sing along as loud as you can.” Then he called, “A little music!” and it started.
“♫Old MacDonald had a farm♪” he sang, paused and thrust the microphone at us, “E-I-E-I-O,” we sang. Cousin Grumpy continued. “♪And on this farm he had a…” he paused and thrust the microphone at us again. We were a little slow on the uptake on this one, but eventually someone said “pig,” and someone else said “pig” and the music continued on with no one singing the refrain.
“♪With a…” continued Cousin Grumpy. He lowered the microphone down to Layla’s snout, reached up and scratched her back…
“Oink, oink,” says Layla
“♫here a…” he scratches her back again.
“Oink, oink,” says Layla.
“♪there a…” scratch, scratch
“Oink, oink.”
“♫everywhere a…” scratch, scratch
“Oiinnnkkkkk,” Layla drawled. We laughed.
A few people sang the last part of the song and the music came to an end.
“OINK THE SINGING PIG!” Cousin Grumpy called and we clapped for her. He sent her back to her seat. “Keep on truckin’ Layla.” Then he made a couple of announcements including introducing a couple of new members to the Pork Chop Revue. “They’re a little different and they’re a little unusual, say hello to Fred and Ethel!” Two goats came from the tent flap as we clapped. “FRED AND ETHEL! Now, I know what you’re thinking, this is the Pork Chop Revue. Performing pigs. They’re goats. Yeah, I know they’re goats, but they’re pygmy goats!”
He got a few laughs for that and he made a comment about digging himself into a hole. He got Fred and Ethel to their stands while Nina set up the next trick. Cousin Grumpy had them do a few goat things. First he called on Ethel to climb a ramp, turning around in the center of the balance beam and coming back down.
Ethel jumped the hurdles for us then he called on Fred.
“Hey Fred, we’re going to try the same thing but with a twist, pal,” Cousin Grumpy said.
Both Fred and Ethel obeyed simple commands like go, stop, and turn around. When Fred started up the steps he seemed to loose his balance a little and we all gasped. “Go slow buddy,” Cousin Grumpy commanded. “Pay attention to what you’re doing now buddy.”
Once Fred got to the other side, Cousin Grumpy wanted him to turn around and go back but Fred went down the ramp instead.
“Cheater you,” Cousin Grumpy uttered, and we all laughed. No matter what the animals did or didn’t do, Cousin Grumpy made it a part of the show. “Take a seat now Fred,” and he directed him back to his stand.
“A little earlier in the show you saw Little Mac rollin’ a barrel with his front feet, remember that?” Cousin Grumpy asked. “Well check this out. What’s gonna happen here, Fred’s gonna go inside, Ethel’s gonna go on top — this is going to take a little team work. I’ll tell you what, this is our first show, it’s going to be a little tough goin’ up hill a little bit.” Cousin Grumpy got Fred and Ethel where he wanted them and after a shaky start, and with constant words of encouragement from Cousin Grumpy they got the barrel rolling down the red carpet.
“Now for those of you who have goats, you know what I’m talkin’ about. If you’ve never been around ‘em, they’re awesome little animals, they love kids, they love to learn, they love to play, and if you have the space for them they make great, great family members. Also they love to eat grass so you never have to mow again,” and we all laughed. Then he switched gears as he went through the tent flap and came back out. “Hey! Hey! Look what I got here,” and he hoisted a little pig high in the air to a chorus of ‘awwws’ from the audience. “Hey this is Pepper, he’s bran’ new in the show, and he’s…” Pepper started to pee. “HEY! HEY! PEP!” Cousin Grumpy exclaims. “Oh my gosh. He sprung a leak over here Nina. Oh my gosh! Holy cow.”
Cousin Grumpy gave him a few shakes and put him in the baby carriage that Nina pushed towards him. Then he had Roxie, the part Russian wild boar come up and push the baby carriage down the red carpet to more ’awwws’ from the audience. At the end, we clapped.
“Take a seat, hurry up, let’s go” Cousin Grumpy directed with his magic wand. “Take a seat everybody. Nice job today,” and he walked down the line to Layla who had gotten off her stand. “Step up,” he commanded and she did. “Good girl. Good girl.” When everyone was where they were supposed to be he turned to us. “That’s our show guys!” he proclaimed to a round of applause. “Thank you so much. We appreciate y’all. Have a great day at the fair.”
One of the announcements that Cousin Grumpy had made during the show was that they were offering to take a photo of you with “a celebrity hog,” for only five dollars. “And it comes in a nice little folder,” he said. Now, I didn’t really need a picture of me with Layla, the Barnyard Baritone, but the show was free, five dollars wouldn’t kill me and I image this is part of their income.
After I got my Polaroid picture in it’s little folder, Mike and I went to find an apple dumpling or chocolate milkshake or ice cream or something. (We found all of those things and more during the course of our day at the fair.) We wondered through the hall with all the vendors and eventually made our way to the stands where there was a giant pirate ship set up.
We didn't have long to wait and when our host came out and we clapped for him.
One of the first things I noticed about the show was that he kept up a constant stream of whistles when he wasn’t talking. I don’t know if it was how he coped with nerves or if it had some other purpose; such as signals to the other members of the troupe or maybe it helped them to know where he was during the performance.
Without saying anything he sat down on the edge of the pirate ship, pulled out a pole and went fishing. He pulled up a stinky skeleton first,
then he caught his mermaid.
Then the bad pirates showed up an he fought with one of them on the high wire for the possession of the treasure map.
Even when they fell off, I’m sure they were in complete control.
They swashbuckled their way to the spinning wheel and did acrobatics on the inside of it.
The wheel stopped. “Hey you!” the bad pirate yelled.
“What?” the good pirate yelled back.
“Let’s go outside!” and he pointed to the outside of the wheel.
“Outside? Outside!”
“Yes outside!”
“Ah na-na — you crazy man!”
The bad pirate turned to us and chanted, “OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE!” We picked up the chant, clapping with each word. “Outside! Outside! Outside! Outside! Outside!”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,” the good pirated interrupts us. When we quieted he asked, “Do you want to see outside?”
“YES!” we screamed.
“Do you want to see outside!” he asked again.
“YES!” we screamed louder.
“Okay, you do it. Come on,” and he motioned us to come up. We laughed.
The bad pirated flapped his arms and started chanting, “Chicken! Chicken!” which was quickly picked up by the audience.
The good pirate waved his arms and quieted us. “NO! I’m not a chicken. Let’s go! Come on!” and they both climbed to the outside of the spinning wheel thing. They did their acrobatics on the outside and it was a little scary because they didn’t have any safety wires on this stunt.
The wheel stops with the good pirate at the very top. Another bad pirate came out and from the ground yelled up to the good pirate, “THAT MAP IS MINE!”
“WHAT?” the good pirate yells back.
“THAT MAP IS MINE!” he yells again.
“Oh na, na, na, na, na. The map is mine. I got it!” and he pulled it from his waist band, and waved it in the air.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yes!”
And the bad pirate pulled out a pistol.
“HEY NO! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” the good pirate yells all in a panic.
The bad pirate fires a blank, the good pirate drops the map and the fight is on again.
They made their way up to the high wire again and had a drink on chairs balanced in the center of the wire.
Then they got up and stood on the chairs. They got down and went back to the platform.
The good pirate walked across the high wire with the bad pirate on his shoulders.
They put on a contraption and the girl did her thing with the treasure map held high.
At the end everyone slid down the ropes and the whole show ended with another sword fight on the ground. The good pirate won the treasure map, finds the treasure and gets the girl.
After the show ended they invited you to come and have your picture taken with the mermaid and the treasure chest and they had plastic swords for sale too.
It was a fun day —
—except Mike’s back really bothered him. He sat and rested when he could but it sure made the day less enjoyable for him.
The Wyoming County fair is a nearly week long event and Mike and I went back for the last day of the fair too. Once again it was senior day and Mike would get in free. A had a ticket; courtesy of my friend Stephanie, so it wouldn’t cost us anything to get in, and Stephanie was scheduled to work the stand for her company, P&G (Proctor and Gamble).
We were driving down Route 6 and had just gone through the little town of Laceyville when a car flashed his headlights at us.
“Must be a cop up ahead,” I said to Mike.
Then car after car after car flashed us and that seemed odd to me. Sometimes one or two cars will alert you to a cop, but not this many.
“Maybe there’s an accident,” I speculated.
A little ways down the road we see a couple of vehicles pulled over as far as they could but they were still part way on the road. One of them was a truck with a pull behind camper. There was smoke.
As we get closer I see a pile of smoking firewood laying in the road and a melted red plastic container.
I don’t know who picks up hot firewood but somehow he did, and came to regret that decision too, I’m sure.
We get to the fairgrounds and park. Our first stop this time, once we were through the gates, was at the scooter tent. Mike traded his driver’s license and fifteen dollars for two hours on this scooter. You can keep it longer if you want and they charge five dollars for every half hour you run over and it’s capped at thirty dollars for the day.
I’ll tell you what. That little scooter saved Mike’s back and made a day at the fair much more enjoyable.
In the picture is Mike on the scooter, then Jon Robinson on the bench with Aaron, Jonecca’s boyfriend.
“Who’s Jonecca?” you ask.
Jonecca is the beautiful daughter of Steph and Jon Robinson, currently in her last year of college. Steph recruited Jonecca to help her hand out diapers at the P&G stand.
I got in line and got some free samples of diapers.
“What are you going to do with diapers?”
I’m glad you asked!
I read someplace, probably Facebook, that you can take the diapers apart and use the absorbent gel beads in your house plants to retain water. Now, I’m not about to go out and buy diapers for this project, but since P&G was giving away samples of Pampers, their diapers, I figured why not give it a try.
I only have one houseplant and I haven’t done it yet.
And with that, we will call this one done.
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